Wednesday, October 13, 2004

heavy sigh

Here's one I wrote yesterday:

heavy sigh --
headlights reflected
in the rain-soaked pavement

I was attempting to evoke a feeling of wabi, or at least melancholy, but I think I only acheived a feeling of melancholy myself for not having quite evoked it. I'm not sure the image of headlights on wet pavement is quite strong enough. :^(

Paul

3 Comments:

Blogger duchamp said...

headlights reflected
in rain-soaked pavement

does lend a feeling of melancholy.

"heavy sigh" maybe works.

"releasing a sigh"?

"exhaling deeply"?

"reflecting" might not convey a deep enough sense of melancholy...i'm thinking of some sort of "passing" or "loss" or something irretrievable.

"rain" falls and collects on the pavement and "swallows up" the headlights, changes the quality of the headlights...perhaps "smears" them...alters...

something to let percolate...

john

8:23 PM  
Blogger duchamp said...

here are some notes i wrote this morning before i got out of the car to go into a store (after driving in the rain):

one after another
car headlights reflected
in the rain slicked road

> in the rained on highway

>in rain soaked highway

>in rain-soaked pavement

>car headlights reflect

>bounce

one after another
in the rain-soaked pavement
headlights

i wonder, as a compositional technique, if brain storming all the possible variations would work. sometimes the right words come right away...and sometimes they arrive later.

best,
john

11:17 AM  
Blogger sangeet said...

Paul, I like this very much..

Another take would be to replace the word reflected with the word disappearing..

so it goes

heavy sigh --
headlights disappearing
in the rain-soaked pavement

Either way, I like it. Thanks for sharing.

6:05 PM  

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