Thursday, October 14, 2004

headlights

this is an older one of mine.. does it work?

headlights
the dressed up young woman
stopping suddenly

sangeet (3-5-2004)

3 Comments:

Blogger extraspecialbitter said...

Sangeet - my first reaction is to notice that the haiku might be dismissed by some as "cause and effect", but there are some clever things going on here that suggest otherwise. First, it is not the car (belonging to the headlights) but the woman who stops suddenly. What a nice turn of the tables! Second, the headlights don't reveal an obstacle, but rather the fact that the woman is dressed up and young, facts that might make a reader stop in his or her tracks. I like it more and more with each reading. Well done!

7:57 PM  
Blogger duchamp said...

i like this one a lot. it reminds me of a deer that is caught in the headlights, and then freezes in the light.

could L3 be "stops suddenly" or "suddenly stops"...it is hard to decide sometimes with "ing" or "s".

having the woman be young brings the image of a young deer caught in the headlights (as above).

in L2 you could drop "the" without any loss in meaning.

how would "dressed up young lady" sound?

it does work...

5:19 PM  
Blogger sangeet said...

Thanks for your comments! And you're spot on in getting the image (like that of a startled deer).
I also like your other suggestions... more percolating..

Sangeet

1:56 PM  

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