i was on an elevator going from a lower level subway platform to street level. there are no stairs (except for emergencies), so everyone has to get on one of a couple of working elevators...so everyone tries to smash into the one that is about to go up. this was near a hospital, so a man delivering flowers (the flowers were red, fragrant, and in a 12" basket) was the last to enter...with the basket being just a tiny bit too far out of the elevator...therefore keeping the doors from closing, as well as making a little pinging sound. after a minute or two of adjusting, he finally moved behind the sensor, and the doors closed.
the last line could also be "keeps elevator doors open"
i'm not certain about the haiku being in two lines either...maybe three would be better?
the man also had a very interesting face. it was certainly middle eastern...i think it might have been egyptian. the curves of the various parts of his face made him look friendly.
John - a very interesting moment! I don't think that inverting the two lines really adds anything to the haiku that isn't already there.
Dhugal Lindsay and I used to talk about the "me-tarzan-you-jane" sound of haiku that drop the articles that would be used in normal speech. In my opinion, I think the first line would sound more natural as either:
"man with a flower basket"
or
"the man with a flower basket".
I don't consider either to be too wordy. Likewise with the second line:
"keeps the elevator doors from closing" sounds a little more natural.
On the other hand, now that I continue to consider the haiku as written, it reads as a newspaper headline. Was this your intention? If so, ignore everything I wrote before this paragraph. :^)
A very interesting moment! I don't think that inverting the two lines really adds anything to the haiku that isn't already there. man with large flower basket send gifts to pakistan
5 Comments:
i was on an elevator going from a lower level subway platform to street level. there are no stairs (except for emergencies), so everyone has to get on one of a couple of working elevators...so everyone tries to smash into the one that is about to go up. this was near a hospital, so a man delivering flowers (the flowers were red, fragrant, and in a 12" basket) was the last to enter...with the basket being just a tiny bit too far out of the elevator...therefore keeping the doors from closing, as well as making a little pinging sound. after a minute or two of adjusting, he finally moved behind the sensor, and the doors closed.
the last line could also be "keeps elevator doors open"
i'm not certain about the haiku being in two lines either...maybe three would be better?
the man also had a very interesting face. it was certainly middle eastern...i think it might have been egyptian. the curves of the various parts of his face made him look friendly.
maybe:
keeping open elevator doors
man with flower basket
elevator doors can't close --
man with flower basket
inches backward
John - a very interesting moment! I don't think that inverting the two lines really adds anything to the haiku that isn't already there.
Dhugal Lindsay and I used to talk about the "me-tarzan-you-jane" sound of haiku that drop the articles that would be used in normal speech. In my opinion, I think the first line would sound more natural as either:
"man with a flower basket"
or
"the man with a flower basket".
I don't consider either to be too wordy. Likewise with the second line:
"keeps the elevator doors from closing" sounds a little more natural.
On the other hand, now that I continue to consider the haiku as written, it reads as a newspaper headline. Was this your intention? If so, ignore everything I wrote before this paragraph. :^)
man with large flower basket
ah, it does read like a newspaper headline.
do other haiku sound like headlines?
A very interesting moment! I don't think that inverting the two lines really adds anything to the haiku that isn't already there.
man with large flower basket
send gifts to pakistan
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