Monday, November 08, 2004

drag



Mary took this photo as part of our Subway Serenade presentation for HNA 2003 in New York, but I never managed to write a haiku that I thought was worthy of it. A year and a half later, I thought I'd try again. C&C would be appreciated.

out in the fresh air
the old woman takes a long drag
on her cigarette

3 Comments:

Blogger sangeet said...

Hi esb :)
I would remove the word out on the first line..
I like the contrast of fresh air.. and long drag..

Another idea would be to give the setting - ie on a bench eg.

alone on a bench
the old woman takes a long drag
on her cigarette

Thanks for the Haiku!
Sangeet

3:16 PM  
Blogger extraspecialbitter said...

Sangeet - thank you for the feedback! I agree that I can be more specific about the setting. Perhaps:

park bench
the old woman takes a long drag
on her cigarette

8:57 AM  
Blogger curt said...

Hi Paul:

I love this haiku. What about a variation of:

out in the fresh air
an old woman pauses
for a smoke

Of course you may not want a slang word "smoke" in your poem. I do like the comparison of "fresh air" and "smoke".

Peace,
Curtis

7:19 AM  

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