i am having a hard time with this one. the first line could also be:
open cavity
or
empty cavity
they look a bit like something carved out for a diorama...just an oval where the pumpkin's halloween face used to be. i wonder if it is clear that the pumpkin is a halloween pumpkin?
This is such a universal image - I wish I had thought to write a haiku about it!
I agree with John that some fine-tuning could bring this haiku to a higher level. The first and third lines are redundant. The question is: which one do you keep? "eaten by squirrels" is certainly more colorful, but it assumes that we were eyewitnesses to the "crime". I wonder if using "gone" instead might lend more of an air of mystery.
I like the essence of what you're trying to capture here John. I think if you change the 1st and 3rd lines it would change the feel of the Haiku from the way you intended it. I do like esb's suggestions, but I think this changes the Haiku quite a bit, and the mood too.. Its really your take.. I think that it does work currently.
5 Comments:
i am having a hard time with this one. the first line could also be:
open cavity
or
empty cavity
they look a bit like something carved out for a diorama...just an oval where the pumpkin's halloween face used to be. i wonder if it is clear that the pumpkin is a halloween pumpkin?
thanks for any help on this one!
maybe:
carved pumpkins face
?
This is such a universal image - I wish I had thought to write a haiku about it!
I agree with John that some fine-tuning could bring this haiku to a higher level. The first and third lines are redundant. The question is: which one do you keep? "eaten by squirrels" is certainly more colorful, but it assumes that we were eyewitnesses to the "crime". I wonder if using "gone" instead might lend more of an air of mystery.
How about something like this:
October morning --
the pumpkin's face
gone
?
I like the essence of what you're trying to capture here John. I think if you change the 1st and 3rd lines it would change the feel of the Haiku from the way you intended it.
I do like esb's suggestions, but I think this changes the Haiku quite a bit, and the mood too..
Its really your take.. I think that it does work currently.
Sangeet
Good written.
Haiku Poems
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