Saturday, November 06, 2004

pumpkins face

gone
the pumpkins face
eaten by squirrels

5 Comments:

Blogger duchamp said...

i am having a hard time with this one. the first line could also be:

open cavity

or

empty cavity

they look a bit like something carved out for a diorama...just an oval where the pumpkin's halloween face used to be. i wonder if it is clear that the pumpkin is a halloween pumpkin?

thanks for any help on this one!

12:22 PM  
Blogger duchamp said...

maybe:

carved pumpkins face

?

12:22 PM  
Blogger extraspecialbitter said...

This is such a universal image - I wish I had thought to write a haiku about it!

I agree with John that some fine-tuning could bring this haiku to a higher level. The first and third lines are redundant. The question is: which one do you keep? "eaten by squirrels" is certainly more colorful, but it assumes that we were eyewitnesses to the "crime". I wonder if using "gone" instead might lend more of an air of mystery.

How about something like this:

October morning --
the pumpkin's face
gone

?

9:22 PM  
Blogger sangeet said...

I like the essence of what you're trying to capture here John. I think if you change the 1st and 3rd lines it would change the feel of the Haiku from the way you intended it.
I do like esb's suggestions, but I think this changes the Haiku quite a bit, and the mood too..
Its really your take.. I think that it does work currently.

Sangeet

1:45 PM  
Blogger AMIT said...

Good written.

Haiku Poems

2:41 AM  

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